Anguish

Just at this moment, keep your silence—
when my loves return again and again, met with your neglect,
when storms rage endlessly in the pupils of my weary eyes, yet you never see,
when your world is crushed with work, and thinking of me becomes a sin,
when I am no longer part of your tired day's peace and rest,
when all the feelings inside me mock me relentlessly by showing you to me,
when what once existed between us becomes a great question mark,
—in those moments, please, say nothing at all!

Why should you speak, tell me?
Does it even suit you?
Let me remain instead as some unknown melody of yours,
a tune that after many, many years you can't quite recall,
let me vanish this evening with the late spring afternoon sun, in the guise of a seagull,
I would truly be so happy as a little seagull!
Someone, surely someone watches and stays content!
To heal the weariness of late afternoon, just right,
gazing steadily at that seagull
flying over the sea's breast,
they find peace!
That would work for me too—
who gets to live the life of such a free bird, tell me?

At day's end when you say, 'I'm so tired, let's not talk anymore today?'
I don't understand—are you asking me? seeking permission? or announcing a decision?
I too could say, 'Not being able to speak of love with you,
in the absence of your love, day by day I'm growing terribly tired too!'
You seek peace somewhere else, leaving me behind,
while I, like a fool, keep watching the road, waiting for you.

I have no 'you,'
yes, I still have no 'you'!
When you seek peace in your writing notebook,
then desperately... desperately I want to know,
seeing so much unrest in me, why do you still stay?
If you find no peace in my love, then
why are you here?
Or if all peace is wrapped up in your writing notebook,
then why me at all?
Will you give me one logical reason to stay?

I swear to God, then...
then I will spend the rest of my life on the excuse of your logic,
even after your hundred blows, I will stay put!
I too need... some worthy excuse to remain!
Believe me, I didn't come to you seeking return for my love,
I didn't even come to measure your love for me.

Why did I come then, do you know?
I came loving, to bind you in love, but
today I feel utterly shameless before myself!
The one I love—from them I must beg with outstretched hands for love!
Why this fate? What is my mistake?
Even in your absence I have loved you beautifully, day after day,
let there remain that humble reverence for my own love!
Otherwise, losing even that in this crisis today,
rather than that, live with this soul birth after birth,
and merge completely as yourself?
Exactly that you in whom I too exist?
That you whom, if touched, will still yield me?

By God's oath... I will remain yours alone through all the remaining springs!
After many journeys, today I learned so late, memories are better than this,
people value memories more
than they value the flesh-and-blood person!
Today let me become some such precious memory,
because one whose fate holds no happiness in reality,
can be found in memory, in deep love!