Between you and me, between me and you there is no losing, there is no winning.
You stay with me, I feel you always.
Humility, pleading, surrender, being defeated, bowing down, stepping aside... I have little coexistence with these words. I don't hold a job, I'm a laboring man, so in life's journey, in my social existence there's hardly any need for such things.
But in my personal life, with Father and with you I've never hesitated to reconcile these words with myself. There's only one reason: I love you both desperately. I can sense Father's feelings toward me, but what you feel—this I can no longer clearly understand.
Since so many storms have passed between us, after all these battles, the feeling with which I still stand— whether anything like that exists within you, or whether you've moved beyond that place, this remains unclear to me. Because it's unclear, whether my sudden returns to you are right or wrong—this I cannot clearly understand.
So I'm saying, I don't want to make any mistake now, for any reason, a mistake that would annoy you and humiliate me. In truth, I never want even my smallest behavior to cause you pain or annoyance.
I bear the pain you give me, I bear neglect, I accept all your cruelties, I bow before you— all of this is fine, because even today I feel only you; but this doesn't mean I should become a source of your annoyance. Since I never want this, if I must cut off all communication with you for that, I will do just that.
I don't want to live diminished before any person in this world, because I do nothing that would make me deserve to live diminished.
There was a tenderness between us, it had depth and still has— I speak from where I stand, you know yours best.
The intense pull I feel toward you— that even after all these circumstances it hasn't ended, this I sometimes understand very clearly. When? You know when? When suddenly forgetting everything, I begin writing to you, when I plead once more to see you.
Several times before from fierce hurt, from pain, I've told you I won't write to you anymore, won't want to see you... But later when I sense you're near me, again I forget everything and make demands with old entitlement.
I completely forget that I can no longer make demands with entitlement, that we two are no longer as we were. Now there's so much distance between us! The Creator alone knows what's really between us!
I have no trouble confessing everything to you, because I've never kept anything hidden from you— from the beginning of our relationship until now, anger, hurt, restlessness, madness; impatience or becoming disheveled; causing myself much pain and causing you pain too... after so much has happened, little by little trying to steady myself... you've seen it all.
Through much endurance, much effort, much caution I've brought myself to this point. Yet see, the one for whom I do all this— whether she exists in my life or not, even this I cannot clearly understand. But that intense tenderness for her, I desperately try to keep it hidden.
You have a place to return to at day's end, but I have nowhere to go back to... It's good that I love only you, so I never tried for that.
Before, I felt no shame in being small before you, now a hesitation-shyness works within me. I don't know why, ever since you've been silent, I feel I'm bothering you. First, a restlessness is at work; second, almost no sleep comes at night. Taking everything together, there's a kind of pain, but I'm keeping no hurt anymore; hurt always leaves me with a claim upon you!
Perhaps we won't talk on the phone, so again I'm compelled to write so much.
I promise, if you have no feeling for me, if my occasional pleas to see you annoy you, I swear, I will never willingly face you again. I will never want to see you again. And through any medium, I will never contact you again.
I know my feeling for you doesn't depend on your answer, but if you clarify this matter I can overcome my anxiety, restlessness, hesitation-shyness... I can walk somewhat unburdened toward my destination. Yes, I'll be much easier with myself. Surely you don't want the person who loves you to keep being diminished before you!
If you still remain silent, then two things: If we meet, meaning you agree to meet, then I'm not bothering you. If you don't meet even after all this, then I'll assume I'm bothering you. Whatever awaits me—pain or joy—I promise, if you don't want it, there will never again be any contact between us.
I've written these words fragmentarily at various times before, today I write them for the last time.
You know, your sudden silence, not answering despite my many pleas... sometimes this makes me think you have no feeling left for me, that you get a kind of pleasure from hurting me now, so you can remain silent like this; but somehow my heart never accepts this!
So humbly I want to know just this much from you: Am I bothering you by suddenly wanting to see you after so long? Yes or no, whatever is in your heart, just tell me that much, please!
I'm saying from my heart, I never want to be a source of your annoyance. I love you, this feeling is very precious to me. Not just you—before anyone, I cannot let my feelings be diminished— if necessary, I'll never see you again!
Am I really bothering you by wanting to see you? Tell me the truth, please!