Because I chose to live that day, I can speak to you today. When someone asks me, "Brother, what's the greatest thing in life? What's the greatest success? Becoming wealthy? Having a big job? Being successful?"—I simply tell them: the greatest success in life is staying alive! Nothing else. Just staying alive, somehow keeping yourself going—that alone accomplishes so much.
Back then, I had no trouble living my own way, but people wouldn't give me the time of day. I was that person whose phone calls even his classmates wouldn't answer! Believe it or not!
I was posted in Sitakunda, Chittagong then; a friend of mine came to visit. I told him, "Friend, remember how no one used to answer when I called?" He said, "Come on, buddy! Old stuff stays old, lots of old things remain. But life doesn't get stuck on old things!"
Yes, I was that person whose calls his classmates wouldn't take. Why wouldn't they? They probably thought, what's the point of taking his call? He's not doing anything, he hasn't even finished his honors yet! I completed my honors about three years after my friends, because I had no desire to finish at all! After everyone else graduated, somewhere between two and a half and three years—not quite three full years, but close—that's when I finished my honors.
If there was a get-together, no one ever called Sushanta Pal to say, "Come on, we're hanging out here." No, they didn't—never, ever! When I called them, they'd cut the line. I'd send texts, no one would ever reply. These things hurt me deeply. And my parents' situation was even more painful.
You know how relatives are—they can't say two good words, but they're masters at saying bad things. I mean, no one will give you two pieces of good advice, but when it comes to talking nonsense, they're all experts, sitting around ready to take jabs. In times of trouble, you can count the people who stand by you without using even one finger! So relatives would come to my parents and say, "He sells dolls!" Selling dolls meant I had a gift shop—I was a gift shop owner. They'd also say, "He sells dolls—do you need an engineering degree to sell dolls? Is this how he'll waste his life? Don't you feel bad?" They'd even tell my mother, "Aren't you ashamed, sister, that your son does nothing?"
Our country is so unfortunate that business is still considered "doing nothing!" Anyway, that didn't bother me. When they came to the house and I'd greet them with a smile, they'd look at me strangely! Then I'd feel a bit hurt and think, "What's wrong, brother? Did I steal something? Why are they acting like this?" I don't eat their food or wear their clothes, so why this attitude? I have a coaching center, I have businesses, investments in the share market—financially, I'm quite well-off!
Still, I didn't care. But when my parents would cry hearing their cruel words, that hurt deeply—especially seeing tears in my father's eyes. My father is a very serious man, never cries or complains about anything! I've seen tears in my father's eyes, tears in my mother's eyes! My younger brother had to endure various taunts too—his friends would say all sorts of things to him!
When you see your parents crying in this world, and you're responsible for those tears—nothing is more painful than that. Then I thought, here I am, a person whose father cries for him, whose mother cries, who can't show his face to anyone—what's the point of such a person staying alive? Whose calls no friends answer, who matters nowhere in society—if he left this world, nothing would happen. So I decided I would commit suicide! I cried so much, made this decision from so much pain.
You don't know my stories of sorrow! You've only seen the happy days, that's all! Anyway, I cried so much then, in infinite pain and remorse. So there are shops in Chittagong that sell chemical substances—I bought poison from there, cleverly somehow. I poured the poison into a tea cup. Evening time; I closed the room door. My mother was sleeping in the next room. My mind was working—now I'll drink the poison. When I took the poison in my hand, I saw my whole body shaking, and I was crying like a madman. Just water falling from my eyes. I wasn't making noise because my mother would hear from the next room.
What should I do, what should I do! Should I drink this? And I actually had no previous experience in life—this was my first suicide! So I really couldn't understand what to do! The first thought that came to my mind was: if I drink this poison, and then I really die, what will happen?! People who commit suicide from time to time, it's not so difficult for them, but I'd never committed suicide before! There's only one system for committing suicide... you have to do it without thinking so much. With all this thinking, nothing actually happens.
Whether something happens or not, I'll come to that later. So I thought, well, I want to die anyway, let me just drink it quickly! Then I thought again, if I drink the poison, what will the next scene be? As easily as I'm telling these things now, it wasn't so easy to accept all this back then. What would the next scene be, I wondered. Many would be upset, my mother would cry a lot. My father is a lawyer, he'd rush home from court. My younger brother had gone to tutor, he'd come running back too. Parents would cry, and when my younger brother saw them crying, he'd join them for a while after thinking it over. Crying is contagious.
I remember now, no one else's face disturbed me at that time except one—my mother's face. My mother crying her heart out because I had died, but my mother wasn't responsible for the reason for my death! I couldn't accomplish anything in life, wandered here and there, wasted time. My mother wasn't responsible for any of this! Then why was I punishing her?
This life—it's my mother's gift, her achievement. Why should I destroy it with my own hands? Then I thought, fine, okay, my friends have accomplished a lot in life, gone far. I still couldn't do anything. They're society's bright stars, superstars, heroes... I accept that. I can never do anything like them, can never become anything in life. Like the ten other brilliant people in society... I can never live the way ten other brilliant people live. Fine. Then let me see what happens if I live as a dim person! No one will ever know me, no one will ever care, I'll never get jobs like theirs, won't be able to do anything in this life! I accepted everything, I won't need anything... I'll just stay alive!
I tell you, because I chose to live that day, I can speak to you today. This is why when someone asks me, "Brother, what's the greatest thing in life? What's the greatest success? Becoming wealthy? Having big jobs? Being successful?"—hearing all that, I simply say: the greatest success in life is staying alive at any cost! Just staying alive accomplishes so much!