After Failing to Forget

Do you know why I never blame anyone?
Because I know that time is not on my side.
Today time flows with another current,
while I alone walk endlessly against the stream, solitary.
Yes, my days pass in melancholy,
when night's darkness deepens,
each sound of my breath grows heavy.

I know I am important to no one,
merely a necessity!
My house lacks help,
I do the housework well enough,
so they keep me with affection,
sometimes perhaps even endure me!
What else can be done—necessity, after all!

When the person of your house was not near,
you too had great need of someone like that,
I was there, ready, so out of need,
purely in the guise of play you made me your plaything,
I too, suddenly receiving that throne, thought I had everything,
I alone became all that she was!

I am such a fool, you know?
Oh, you asked me to know, didn't you?
Like a fool I too let myself drift with the current!
Tell me, where did you throw away my love's entreaties that day
when the person of your house returned?
My basket of words—on which side of the chest did they hide?

I too have learned now, you know?
Simply loving like a fool is not enough,
one must methodically apply a coating around oneself,
so that even one's beloved cannot wound me,
one must wrap such coating around oneself.

You know, now when night falls I no longer count the clock's hands waiting for your call!
Is there time for that anymore?
You endured such a wretched, annoying girl like me for so long,
loved me even if through acting,
even gave love... that is already so much!
Now I am again that beggar of the path, so I have come to stay at the road's bend!

My place is truly here,
good fortune will not suit my fate,
I don't even know how to keep good things.
Actually you were right when you said,
if I behave this way, then why do I hope
to ever get entangled in relationships with anyone!
They can, they all can, only I cannot.
There was never anything false within me,
only pure love, so I could not explain!
Actually knowing that love is only love—I learned this too late,
all love is love,
if I could be like them, I too would have multiple loves!

Know this: those who have multiple loves,
they alone never need anyone,
to them all love is so-called romance,
doing it again and again, they can hold on!
And here I am quite happy with just one,
I have only one place for love,
where else can I go?
In which sky shall I hide my face when tears come?
On which chest shall I seek a home of peace when I lose my way?
That sky of mine has been lost,
that hiding place of mine belongs to someone else today,
perhaps it was never mine at all!

Give me pain,
burn me, consume me as much as you wish,
who will lose?
I, or you?
Well then, go to the other side of the courtyard,
let me also see how far your false love's strength takes you!
I have this much faith in my love—
you will have to return!
You will have to come to me,
I am your only home, you will understand this in due time!

Perhaps now is not that time!
Are you testing my patience?
Do you want to crush me?
Do you want to see if I die?
Or are you consoling your heart with my silent tears?
Your time too will come to return to me!
Until then I will endure this silent weeping!
Until then I will drift with the wind under the open sky!
Until then my room will be shrouded in pitch darkness this evening!

Let whatever will happen, happen!
I am an old beggar after all,
what suffering is left anymore?
What is new in this, tell me?
Rather, you gather a little happiness this evening,
there comes a day when everything seems trivial,
let me be some occasion for your triviality,
let me be just one room of your neglect,
let me be your closest distant one!

Today I was born anew,
that old 'me' I had, she has burned, withered away.
With your arrival, that morning 'me' I was,
today she has died!
When this door opened and your wind touched my body,
I floated in that cold wind, smearing your scent on myself,
I even breathed at the cost of your breath,
from that day my old 'me' began to die,
I didn't understand then that this 'me' who exists,
this 'me' so disillusioned with love,
this 'me' who throws love away to distant borders,
would this very 'me' today be firmly trapped in love's net?

Tell me, who else is as foolish as I?
This dependent life I summoned myself—I couldn't understand it then!
When a person is free, perhaps they don't realize they have only a minnow's life!
Am I lying?
Did I make it up, does it seem so?
Well, you tell me then?
I used to love grey before, today I love bright red,
before I was eager to sleep early at night, yet today,
even the night's last star falls asleep, but there's no sleep in these two eyes of mine!

Before, sleep would come to my eyes as soon as I lay down, but today
when I go to bed, thousands of moments pass just tossing and turning!
I used to love poetry, but now I write poetry myself,
what rubbish I write, you alone know better than I,
yet I sit down to write only about you!
Before I had a terrible allergy to seeing myself in mirrors,
yet when you came, I began looking in mirrors!
Before I thought there was no such thing as love, it was all nonsense,
yet today every feeling of love is mixed with my very blood!

How else can I make you understand how much I have died?
One person is so absent-minded, nothing stays in their mind,
just the other day, going to buy tea powder at the market
I bought everything under the sun, except that one tea powder!
Another day, playing games of sulking with you, I burned some milk on the gas stove!
Scolding and verbal funeral rites have fallen on me before too,
yet today I wander around thinking only of your words,
who is scolding nearby, who is cursing,
or whether someone hit something of theirs,
nothing stays in mind anymore!

My ears hear all words, but no words reach my mind anymore,
I forget so many mistakes every day,
I keep forgetting myself in various ways,
caught by so much forgetfulness, yet
where is it—I still couldn't forget you today?
Then isn't this a fault of the mind?
Is this called the forgetting-disease?
I'm forgetting everything,
then why is it that when I try to forget you, all the ghosts of the realm come possess my mind?