Dear Lizard, How are you? Doing well, I'm sure. Maybe you'll want to send this letter back too! But I'm writing it anyway—knowing full well! You know why? Because I love you; only you. You know, sometimes in life the joy of making a mistake feels like nothing else; has that ever happened to you? It's happening to me—ever since you came into my life, since you became my happiness, my laughter, my tears, my reason to live—and my reason to want to die. You must be so angry with me, so frustrated, right? When I get a waiting message on your phone in the dead of night, I say such terrible things, I suspect, I keep calling again and again—all of it. What can I do? When I see that waiting message on your number, blood rushes to my head! You know how much I convince myself all day that I won't respond to a waiting message, won't stand up, won't say anything. And so much more! But the moment that waiting message comes, I lose my mind, and right away I want the joy of being wrong. I want all the bad thoughts in my heart about your waiting message to be proved false. In this, I want to be proved wrong. I don't know why, but I can't control myself. My mind only thinks—what if you were talking to some other girl? What if you were pampering her the way you pamper me? What if she too pampers you the way I do? Your "you"—the way you say it—echoes in my ears every moment—so much tenderness, so much affection, so much joy; and when I get that waiting message, I'm sitting here hoping that your doing these things with another girl is proved false. In this thought, I want to be proved wrong. There's so much joy in making such a mistake—don't misunderstand me. I love you so much. No one has loved you like this before, and no one ever will. Mother, father, brother, sister, friend—don't compare anyone's love with theirs. And yet, life wants a special love, needs someone in a particular way. Even without loving you that way, you make me feel special in certain moments, and I love you that way—feeling it every single moment. You know, you're someone whose affection, whose words, I remember—and without knowing it, a smile blooms at the corner of my lips; and then just as unknowingly, I break down and cry. Why such affection? Tell me, why so much longing for you? Why so many questions? Where were you all these years? Why didn't I meet you in 2009? I was studying in Mohammadpur then—why didn't I meet you then? Then I would have been filled with your affection over all these years, then incompleteness wouldn't have consumed my life. You know how tender your affection is, how beautiful your heart is, how deep your love is! You know how beautifully you can love! Do you know? All my waiting in this whole life has been for a love like this. All the love accumulated in my heart was for someone like you—someone who knows how to love. I never wanted anyone to be abandoned; I wanted someone to be abandoned by someone—all the world's love was meant for them. If you hadn't come into my life, I would never have known what it feels like to love truly. Don't love me too much, just love me a little! You know, I only dream that you're walking away; I often dream that you're walking away and I'm following behind you. I don't know why I dream like this—and I even cry in my sleep! I dreamed it yesterday too. And the day before, I dreamed you were furiously angry with me.
You looked so strangely handsome in that navy suit and trousers—just imagine it!
Tell me, why all this tenderness? I want to pamper you so much—so very much! When we meet again, I’ll lavish you with affection, mountains of it… I’ll smother you with love. A restless heart, a restless thirst… such terrible thirst…
Perhaps you won’t even take this letter, but as long as my hand can hold a pen, I’ll write to you. Wherever you are in this world, I’ll write! I’ll scatter the memory of my love across every corner! You won’t take it today, but someday you’ll search for it, you’ll find it. Or else these letters will crumble into dust.
Yours,
Your Lizard