A Sudden Urge to Live!

 
Will you love me just a little? When tears fill my eyes, will you come a little closer?


What's happened to me these days, tell me! Something's come over me! Nothing feels good anymore. My mind settles on nothing. I have no interest in any work. I know I'm shirking everything, I understand that much. But why am I behaving this way? Why am I acting like a senseless child? I don't understand any of this myself. All I know is that my entire day feels strangely empty, nothing brings me joy. Does love make people so foolish? Turn them into children like this? Well then, will I remain this way for the rest of my life? Will I always keep acting like a child?


I probably annoy you much more now than before, don't I? I refuse to understand anything, isn't that right? I pester you all day long, every few moments. What can I do, tell me—bothering you has become my habit these days. You are my entire habit! Will you please scold me very harshly? For how long now have I neglected my studies, stopped writing you letters like before. What I do all day, how the day passes—I know nothing of it. Where I spend my time, on what—I don't know that either.


I never used to act like such a child. I was never this senseless before. What's happened to me today then? Am I going mad? I can't have you, I'll never have you—then what will I live for now? Why did you come into my life? Why are you breaking me apart this way? I was alone, and I was fine. But now I can no longer bear to be alone. You drift into my every moment's feeling, become entangled in my thoughts. If my habit of you becomes permanent, and if someday I can't live without you, will I go mad that day, will I simply die? Inside me, outside me, all around me—only you remain.


The emptiness I once carried has now been filled with your presence. Yes, there's so much hunger inside me today. A terrible drought rages within me. But it's not consuming me! I'm gradually becoming addicted to you! Where can I hide myself... the clear mark of guilt is on my face. I'm not supposed to love anyone. I'm not supposed to want anyone. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm not supposed to hope for anything. I've come here only to die from not getting, not getting. I've come to end my entire life just from not getting, not getting.


Let me speak a little today. For so long I haven't talked with you to my heart's content, for so long I haven't told you everything openly. For so long I've kept my own mouth pressed shut. If I'm to get nothing at all, then why did I come here? Why can't I touch you? Why aren't you before me? Why does love burn so? Why does love take away everything? Why do people go blind when they fall in love? Why does nothing else come to mind then? I've forgotten everything. I've forgotten absolutely everything, you know? Where I was all this time, where I'm going now, which path I'm on, how far I've come—I know none of this. In my room now only untouchable nights descend and indifferent dawns break.


Why did you indulge me? Why didn't you grab me by the throat and throw me out? Why did you give me shelter in your heart? And why did you let me reign within you? I'm very, very wealthy now, you know? And that's why I want to hide myself from everyone, one by one. I was never wealthy before! I never received so much! I will not let this happiness, this prosperity be lost again! I'll clutch it with both hands and hold it to my chest. That's why these days I want to hide from everyone. Does anyone live with such happiness, tell me? Was so much written in my fate!


Well, you brought me all of this—if someday you can no longer love me, if you can no longer keep me, if ever you no longer have time to love me, then on that day won't you be able to strangle me to death with those two hands of yours? Where else would I go? Without you I wouldn't live anyway! Then rather than dying slowly, bit by bit, kill me by strangulation in one day, in one moment! You taught me to live, you brought me this life, you made me float in happiness, you wrapped me in sorrow! If you could give everything, then why won't you bring death? Give me that too, why don't you.


In my life, in this little sparrow's life of mine, for however many days remain, I want to live those days completely in my own way, completely like truly living. I'm tired, I'm devastated from that life. I can't go back to that pitch-black darkness anymore. I'm getting used to staying here. How can I return there again? If I go back there, what will I live with, tell me? Rather than this, if you must send me back, if you can no longer carry me along, then finish me off in one moment by strangulation—I won't say anything to you. I won't tell anyone that you strangled me to death. Because if anyone has the right to kill me, it's only you, no one else... no one else ever saved me!


I don't want to live without you. I won't be able to live. Never tell me I can. Please finish me off, because if I try to live alone I'll be finished anyway. Today I've become terribly selfish, I think of my own needs first. Living feels so good—I never knew this before. I never imagined this life would start feeling so wonderful to me. Love alone can fill all emptiness. Love can do everything! If you say my grave is here today, I'll accept even that, but will you ever tell me to seek happiness somewhere else? Will you really say such things to me?


In all my thoughts there's one person—how do I divide that into a hundred parts, tell me? Can one mind be given to a hundred places simultaneously? Is this body something to be distributed to a hundred places at once? How much more can I bear? Rather than this... rather than this, finish me off. Don't tell me to live without you then, don't tell me to go away! You won't say it, will you? Why is everything so difficult? Why is reality so harsh? Why is life so hard? All this time I thought living required nothing—just staying alive was enough! Now I feel I never really knew what living meant, how one should live! I wasn't living all this time! I was merely dragging my life along as I moved forward. These days I want to live. I very much want to live many more years with you, you know? Stay until the very end!